One of the great things about being a father is perspective… you know, kids will ask off-the-wall questions and it makes you think. So, dads, ever get that “why is the sky blue” question, or “why is my mommy making that noise” when they listen through the bedroom door?
What’s a guy to say?!
But, sometimes I turn the tables and ask the wild questions to get them thinking. This time, I want to get everyone on it. So, here’s my question:
Just how would a zombie do in the cage against a professional mixed martial arts fighter?
First, let’s examine the zombie and see what characteristics may help him/her/it in the cage:
Zombies In The Octagon
- Focus – talk about single-mindedness (pardon the pun). All they want is some fresh flesh and juicy grey matter. The bloodier, the better. Ever see The Walking Dead? They don’t want canned spam, bro, they want bleeding, screaming meat. I’ve come to think that screams are a kind of zombie spice… sorta like salt.
- Dedication – they never give up. Also, they’re 100% committed to their all-brain diet. I’d puke after just a few days eating nothing but the best filet mignon! Zombies? Nooooo… they stick to it by keeping things simple. Here’s an example of what their food pyramid looks like:
Tell me sticking to THAT wouldn’t take some serious dedication!
- Teamwork – Zombies don’t eat each other. If they did, there would have only been one movie. And they hunt in swarming packs. I wish I could get my kids to cooperate like that!
- Strength – I don’t think they know how to hold back… and they routinely crash through doors, fences and walls. They’re some strong mo-fo’s!
- Commitment – Hey, it’s gotta take commitment to keep pushing forward when those pesky humans are popping your pals in the head with everything from shotguns to flame throwers!
So, although I’ve probably left out a lot, let’s look at the qualities of an MMA/UFC fighter and see where they cross over with their zombie brethren.
MMA UFC Fighter Characteristics
- Focus – it takes intense focus to pick your target and not expose yourself to a submission or knockout blow.
- Dedication – I see guys in the gym train for professional MMA fights and their dedication is inspiring. They watch their diet and weight, all with the goal of victory in mind. (I guess you’re starting to see where I’m going with this).
- Teamwork – no man is an island. Without a team of coaches and training partners (willing to get hurt for your benefit) a cage fighter wouldn’t stand a chance. There’s a saying in the gym – Don’t break your toys! That means don’t hurt your training partners. Save it for competition. That’s some good teamwork there.
- Strength – pound-for-pound, these guys are sick strong. I’ve rolled with 150 lb guys who make my 190-lb, “body by Marines” muscles, feel oh so weak. It’s truly tragic… for my ego. Some nights I need to grab a newbie just to feel good about myself and this huge investment of time and sweat.
- Commitment – when ya gotta sit in an ice bath to bring down the swelling and get back to training, you know commitment is the only thing that keeps you going. One of our teammates recently got knocked out and has a plate in his jaw after taking a knee to the face in the second round. A few weeks later, he’s back on the mat, showing us what commitment is all about. So, where does this leave us?
The End Result… forget Mir vs Nogueira!
In the end, it looks even.
The zombie is not worried about his next fight and will never, ever tap. You can arm-bar them into tomorrow, break their should like Frank Mir did to Nogueira, rear naked choke the piss out of ‘em, and you’ll not see a tap in sight.
Nope, hungry zombie no tappy.
In fact, the very-human MMA/UFC fighter has got to be scared out of his gourd when it comes to the dreaded bite that will certainly induce zombification (thank you, Mr. Bush, for the grammatical influence-ifying). Looks like our pal the zombie is gonna prevail unless our UFC refs allow firearms in the cage.
When that happens, count me in!